A few weeks back, I had a thoroughly estrogen-fueled gathering of fellow women.
It began as a boozegames night (Booze and Boardgames- Tcha) and spiraled gradually into discussions of video games, books, politics, common neuroses, media, and our perceptions of femininity, which was drunkenly and happily canvassed without the usual assumption that any feelings somehow had to extend to all of us to be valid. We debated moral issues without the heat of defending a right or opposing a wrong opinion. By the time the third bottle of bubbly was gone, we were reading a Jane Austen Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book aloud, and deciding by vote which routes to take. (Right or left? Blue or Red Bonnet? To Dance, or Not to Dance?)
It was marvelous.
I have long been disturbed at the prevailing idea of friendship between women that is offered in movies, television shows and... Well, I was going to add books, but the books I read very often have easy and natural relationships between women, as well as between men, and men and women, so I don't have too much poor experience of books in that regard.
A friend of mine, during the above mentioned discussion, brought up the "Bechdel test". The Bechdel test is a scale that measures the roundedness of female characters in media, and the chief questions are these:
1) Are there more than two named female Characters in movie/show?
2) Do these Characters talk to one another? (And how?)
3) Do they talk to one another about anything apart from men or relationships?
It's surprising how often you'll notice the "No"s piling up, especially towards the last question. When you add, "their Children" or "Shopping" to question the last, that also knocks off significant volumes.
While I think of this as an already poor indicator, a darker side is the frequently portrayed Frenemies relationship, which implies that no matter how apparently strong and mutually respectful a friendship between women is, a (man/wedding date/other woman) can not only impede it, but cause them to cruelly sabotage one another mercilessly and publicly... Even if they are adults.
I won't pretend that there aren't people who thrive on negative drama, men and women both. But that the image has somehow become the model against which female friendships are gauged depresses me. Maleness or femaleness aside, I value friendship very highly, and with it comes a commitment of loyalty, respect for another, separate human being, and openness with another person. It is also highly individual. Not often is enough credence given to the fact that friendships, like romantic relationships, are entirely a creation of the sum of their parts. No one is like another, and each is a unique reflection of the interaction and dynamics of the people involved, not only with one, but in groups and parties as well. That's why there is no model. I have girlfriends with whom I play video games. I have girlfriends with whom I exchange witty repartee and verbal barbs over tea. I have girlfriends with whom I invent wicked cocktails, eat baked brie, and rant about our mutual experiences with career/relationship/book/cats/anything. Often, the same girlfriend will make appearances in all the above fields.
Yes, we discuss relationships, and men. We have also had stirring and evocative canvassing of early Val Kilmer movies, the overall decline of manners, and the worlds worst music mash ups (First runner-up: Bjork Petty. Winner: Axl Rose-Hansen). On one memorable occasion, we were completely loaded and watching animated pornography while playing Munchkin Cthulu.
Women, just as (astonishingly) men, have such a diverse range of interests, opinions, experiences, and engaging qualities that seeing the tired, hackneyed "luv u bitch" culture makes me deeply sad. Not that the level of relationship on view exists- only that apparently, that is what others expect of us, what we are assumed to expect of ourselves, and that shallow concerns, petty jealousies, and cat fights will always resonate with the crowd more than respect, loyalty, and love.
I'd say fight it, but that is exhausting, and depressing. Do something more sneaky, match it with insidiousness of our own. Mock it. Snicker at it. If someone makes a tasteless and frivolous remark about the nature of women, laugh politely, and say something to the effect of "Thank heavens life isn't like insipid movies. Wouldn't that be a simply absurd way for adults to behave?"
Most of all, value friendship. Value discussion, connection, eating, sharing, drinking, laughing, arguing. It's worth it's weight in gold.
Go forth, make a martini, and (gender notwithstanding) chill with your crew.
